Let the Panic Begin!

Sigh.

Once again, le sigh.

Panic is ensuing, again. Ever since Emma was injured nearly 7 years ago, our lives have never been the same. I was unable to work for the first year due to all her needs. Then, I tried to go back to work full time but that wasn't reasonable with all the necessary doctors appointments and therapies she still had. Oh and pending surgeries. So, I went back to work part time. That actually went really well. Part time work, plus college. Then, I thought I could finally transition to work full time. I have been at my place of employment for nearly two years and I love my job, love the company and even my coworkers. However, every single summer I have the same panic: will I have stable care for her? Emma is enrolled in a summer program from 1-5 Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. My sister takes care of her a couple of the mornings and she goes to college after. I have a caregiver who works on Wednesdays all day (Emma has therapy). Well, Emma was pulled out of the summer program because she needed a break. She hasn't transitioned very well. The summer program is more hectic and faster paced. She's over stimulated. She's an explosive child with her brain damage and that is a perfect storm. She returns on Monday. The clock will start ticking again. I already KNOW she will have meltdowns. It takes the average person 21 days to create a new habit, what about a kid who has the disabilities my daughter has? Pulling her out upset the entire balance and the clock starts all over again. I already know I will get the call next week that she's not transitioning, she's having meltdowns, etc. Hell! I am ready to have a meltdown myself! She hasn't had a chance to transition to the summer schedule, so yes she's melting down and not having a good run of it. So will they ask me to remove her for the rest of the summer? This uncertainty is causing my to panic because I don't know if I will A) have a stable caregiving situation for her and B) have enough caregiving hours available to cover the rest of the summer.

Some days I just want to quit.

I just need to find a way to be self employed until she's an adult. I could be self employed and finish my degree. I could do photography, house keeping, something! But then we both need insurance. Most importantly, Emma has to have insurance. It's too important for her to not have it.

But even if I were to stop working, go to self employment and finish my degree, and I return back to the working world, I will be past 40 and my job history hasn't been very stable for the last 7 years. Will I be able to return to work????

Sigh... just le sigh....

People... these are the long term repercussions of shaking a baby. See. It doesn't end. The damages trickle all over the place and in different areas.